It is said that fear and faith cannot coexist. We must choose which one we will live in, we were granted the greatest power in our agency, we are free to choose eternal life or eternal damnation, likewise we are asked to decide; fear, or faith.
I have had moments of complete fear, drenched in agony and the pain of the unknown, completely wrapped up in the vision of living my life alone, raising my little girl all by myself. But then, oh, the sweet joy of the faith that followed those moments of weakness! It almost seems like an unbeatable cycle... I find myself lost in my fear, and then the Lord fills my heart with knowledge and an unimaginable comfort that lifts my faith through the black bounds of fear. Light extends farther than we can see.
Ever since the accident that Camron and I were in, I have lived this cycle every single day of our new life, struggling to let the fear leave me so that my faith can once again take its place and lead me to the life that I know awaits, although it is much harder than it seems. I have always considered myself a strong person, always able to fight through whatever challenge I found myself facing, always ready to have my faith tested so that I could become stronger. I have discovered that I am strong enough to endure, but not strong enough to overcome what I have been feeling as a result of the trauma that Camron and I experienced, not alone anyway.
To put into words exactly what I am feeling as a result of the accident is quite difficult, and I wouldn't do it justice if I could. I am not writing to seek any kind of charity, the opposite in fact, I am writing because I am walking a road right now that seems to never end. I am writing because I want anyone who feels that same way to know that they do not have to create their own end. Elder Holland gave an amazing talk in the October 2013 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints entitled "Like a Broken Vessel," in which lies such comfort, such clarity in a world full of fog. Elder Holland states that sometimes while enduring trials we are asked to be still, to wait on the Lord and His timing. I don't know all the reasons, and I don't have hardly any of the answers, but I have found solace in the knowledge that these trails are meant to humble us, then to make us stronger.
Every time Camron walks out of the room, I now fear that it will be the last time that I see him. I die inside every time he goes somewhere without me for fear that he will be called to go through something alone. Every night I lie awake and wait to hear him breathing because of fear that he will take his last breath and I will not hear it. This fear has destroyed me. It has eaten away the strength that I worked so hard to gain.
Then there are moments of peace.
There are seconds of happiness.
There are days of bliss.
Then there is a light, the brilliant light of God's love that offers a promise, the greatest promise that has been given, the promise that He will never leave us alone. Darkness and fear of the unknown have clouded everything that I have ever loved about the plan of our Heavenly Father, and every day has been a fight with the adversary to once again live with only faith. I testify to you, with every fiber of my being, that God lives! He is our Father, and like any loving father, He desires only for us to experience this life so that we can live with Him again! I rejoice, oh how I rejoice when my Spirit and my mind combine to realize my potential! I am a child of Glory! I praise my Father in Heaven who has protected my husband, my child, and myself when we were seemingly in the very hands of death. We indeed have a work yet to do, I cannot imagine what greater glory there will be at the day of my homecoming when I stand before my Father, and to Him exclaim, "Father! Father, look what I have done with the time you gave me, look at what I have built, look at what I have become!" Then will I know the Glory of my Savior.
Because of my imperfection as a human being, with this wonderful faith, I still find myself trapped in times of darkness, but there is a hope. The end is not yet, we are children of a Father who loves us beyond our imagination, we have been promised forever. I will live in faith, I will choose to enter once again into the presence of my God, I choose to live knowing that I have an eternal family, bound by Priesthood power, a binding that shall never end.
"Whatever your struggle, my brothers and sisters—mental or emotional or physical or otherwise—do not vote against the preciousness of life by ending it! Trust in God. Hold on in His love. Know that one day the dawn will break brightly and all shadows of mortality will flee. Though we may feel we are “like a broken vessel,” as the Psalmist says,10 we must remember, that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter. Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind." Elder Holland, October 2013 LDS General Conference
My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee
I'm Going To Live Forever
